Dancing with emergence and withdrawal
Reflections on recovering from chronic illness : four years and six months in
The morning came and went. Like a star on the infinite canvas of space, birthed and annihilated in time, it was for what seemed like a second, and then was no more. The morning was bright and beautiful, with a little wind. The perfect invitation to live.
The afternoon was hotter and harsher, but inviting nonetheless. The pool glistened gleefully and called for my limbs. I closed my eyes and moved through the water, inflamed and exhausted no more.
When they opened, the moon was in the sky, mercifully matching my energy. No need to be afraid of not living, as the world settles down like me.
“It’s like snakes and ladders,” I say. “You’ll be inching your way forward and then, boom ! Suddenly you’re down the big ladder, back at square one.” Healing is a spiraling dance of forward movement and retreat. Expansion and contraction. Better, then worse, then better. Then worse.
“How long will it last ?” she asks for the hundredth time. I look at her blankly, my irritation on a leash.
No, I can’t work. Yes I can do things. Sometimes I’m fine, like now. But sometimes I’m horizontal for a few days, so… It all really depends.
Bloody chit chat. Meaningless. Inadequate.
I watch the seedling shyly poking its head through the soil. The comfort of a dark embrace is soothing, but this being is compelled toward the light. Vulnerable, delicate, shaky. Yet boldly, it starts a new life.
Another young plant, not quite thriving. Small leaves that should be large. I lightly cup my hand around its shape, and sense its roots barely daring to spread. Believe in me, it whispers. I can do this, but I need you.
The energy rises with dappled sunlight warming the grass. Lifting the morning into action, injecting dynamism into the air. A wave I try to catch, like a nimble surfer jumping onto her board. Riding the tide inward as it crashes onto the shore. But I crash with it.
Hours go by, and when I rise the tide has gone. The energy dissipated. The moment passed. The sun, fickle, canoodles with the clouds. I’ll be back, just you wait.
<3 <3